So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
You Might Also Like
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m literally crying
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
accurate
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”