when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy