Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.