{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year