old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
kevin is now a local weatherman
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…