ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*