I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]