My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow