If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’m not lazy
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Who’s your best friend?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police