I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.