thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
the #horror is real!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone