My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
That’s fair
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?