Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My first child will be named New Folder.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes