america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.