My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT