Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
just got my engagement photos
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.