nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
This is always good for a laugh.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
He’s cranky this morning
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.