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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?