*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I love you…
…r dog.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Dune (2021)
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing