Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.