I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
live, laugh, laundry.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.