Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
stand with me against insufficient seating
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
New mindset, who dis?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.