They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants