me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Have a lovely day 😊
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off