*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
You Might Also Like
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.