It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”