My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’