“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?