Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.