Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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I’m putting together a team
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“you changed” bro i was 15
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.