Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.