Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries