Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
a lot to unpack here
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me after 1 airport cocktail: