Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”