My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
You Might Also Like
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
This meal prepping shit is easy
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.