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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Many hands make light work
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
why am I working on Labor Day
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.