Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday