The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
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*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.