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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
No way!
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
i wish i could marry a nap
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*