Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
You Might Also Like
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.