my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
You Might Also Like
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.