ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.