It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Shower sex be like:
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house