anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
You Might Also Like
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Chicago sounds lovely.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
man i love columbo
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that