[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Omg 🤣
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.