At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this