HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.