As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Hmm, not sure about this change
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
tourist season
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.