BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I am, perchance
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?