Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
c’mon!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car